tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46738761072020044212012-02-16T02:49:30.549-05:00A hall of shame for the terrible things we do in the name of home decor.smaptenoreply@blogger.comBlogger891100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-67443750541131632392010-05-06T14:09:00.004-04:002010-05-06T14:18:08.481-04:00

When artists create furniture it can be difficult to know whether their works are classifiable as crimes.  Sometimes they're making a statement, mixing ideas and materials and the ugly outcome is just part of the social commentary.  Frankly I've got no room for that in my life because social commentary is such a drag, man. The way I see it, the instant it goes on sale or ends up reviewed in a

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-59979001990271108182010-04-29T13:03:00.003-04:002010-04-29T13:13:54.008-04:00

Here's another issue where we may potentially part ways, dear reader: Angels. Let me say first and foremost that I'm not arguing against depictions of angels, or liking angels, or wanting to have portrayals of angels in your homes. I'm just saying NOT AS FURNITURE. There's just something about the very idea of angels that makes decor designers go completely loony and forget all sense of taste.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-91555819289760515512010-04-26T13:03:00.008-04:002010-04-26T14:57:30.468-04:00

I'm late with my Fab Friday update. But when you see what I have in store for you you'll understand why I decided late was better than never. Let's talk Ross Lovegrove. I first featured one of his products three Fab Fridays ago when I wanted to love on some lamps (the Mercury Suspension Lamp, if you're interested). So who is Ross Lovegrove? Well, he's an industrial designer who is known for his

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-16888231120863500242010-04-22T14:11:00.000-04:002010-04-22T14:11:04.328-04:00

Have I mentioned my love of the word "fancy?"  Like "antique" and "classy" it's a word that has been abused so badly that it now implies the opposite meaning.  I give you exhibit A: Fancy Feast. So imagine my child-like delight when I ran across TheFancyLamps.net.  And imagine my chagrin when I realized I could only choose a handful of fancy lamps to share in this post.  I can't just re-post the

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-53198085739824851952010-04-20T21:24:00.001-04:002010-04-20T22:30:02.194-04:00

This entry started as one thing and evolved into a totally different thing.  There was just so much to choose from that I ended up with a dozen photos all describing different crimes.  It's like assault turned into battery, which turned into larceny, which turned into regicide.  So I backed up, put on my SRS BSNS face and crafted a more cohesive post.  Here goes. There's a reason I have a tag

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-88161628423670352072010-04-19T11:57:00.009-04:002010-04-19T17:15:14.810-04:00

It's been a while since I've updated. Have we discussed my love/hate relationship with all things panther? We have? Excellent. Let me explain what I mean by love/hate. I truly truly first and foremost hate hate hate panther decor. But the intensity of my hate is such that I love panther decor for its mere existence. I love that something so offensively tacky exists, even if I hate how tacky and

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-55318907320850087952010-04-16T21:05:00.005-04:002010-04-16T21:18:41.613-04:00

Cocktail tables! Specifically the warm and woody goodness that is good wood. I offer three bits o' fabulousness for your consideration.I'm a long time admirer of Crate & Barrel's Seguro Table. This piece leans a bit more rustic than my personal decor, but I have considered redecorating around this piece just so it would fit. If you live within shouting distance of a C&B I encourage you to go

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-59065641152445850462010-04-16T20:28:00.004-04:002010-04-16T20:45:02.163-04:00

Here's a sage piece of advice from your Mayor: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. This specifically includes DIY reupholstery projects. Sure some people might have both the skill and taste in color and pattern to crank out pleasing results. For the rest of us, DIY stands for DONT, YOU IDIOT! Wait a second... that doesn't look right...Anyway, for anyone who may be considering

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-63189144919956875432010-04-15T21:40:00.003-04:002010-04-15T21:48:41.248-04:00

It delivers what it promises.Ready to blow your mind? Try this on for size: you can fan hamburger bed on Facebook. It even has its own website. Let me know when I can fan cankle table and we'll talk.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-10676403185160766102009-11-12T20:20:00.002-05:002009-11-12T20:32:22.329-05:00

Tired of feeling powerless at the office? Constantly being kept down by management? Maybe what you need is a simple desk chair upgrade."Yes, Fran, I know what time it is. But I'm looking at the WENIS, and I'm not happy!"

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-4708542662588270982009-11-11T20:40:00.005-05:002010-04-22T14:12:04.800-04:00

It's been 30 years since that hot, greasy, musical pustule we called Elvis toppled off of the can and met his maker. In the years that followed his death, lovelorn fans flocked to his home in Memphis, Tennessee, to wail at the gates of Graceland and witness the decadence in which he lived. His fame is all but anecdotal at this point, and it's quite possible that the children of the new

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-50065154749132165402009-11-09T20:45:00.003-05:002009-11-09T21:00:19.959-05:00

Want to see a $28 million chair? Seriously. $28,000,000. It set a world record auction price for a chair.Seriously.Have a look.This is the Snake Chair by Eileen Gray. And although I am now outing myself as a total philistine, I'm including it here as a crime against furniture. It's not just that it's ugly. My God, it's ugly. It's that it looks excruciatingly uncomfortable. Have a look at

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-65359930964200192162009-11-06T21:09:00.004-05:002009-11-06T21:28:08.517-05:00

Fuzzy Wuzzy had some hair. Fuzzy Wuz--ACHOO! Oops...Heavens to Hoover, what do we have here? Designer dust traps! The perfect furniture for someone who's looking to experience the wonder of histamines.It's like Pebbles Flintstone commissioned a sofa.Oh no, you need to look at the back before you form an opinion.Yeah, it's totally worse than you thought.Perfect for the Grandma you want to send

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-45763297356246513412009-11-05T14:28:00.005-05:002009-11-05T14:50:13.021-05:00

Zat is ze Gummi Chandelier, carved by gummi artisans who work exclusively in ze medium of gummi.Ach! You do not believe me? See ze detail below!Und of course you must get ze matching Gummi Bear Rug. Perfect for ze cuddling and ze light snacking.Okay I'll stop with the stupid accent. If you're wondering if the above items are real, I assure you they are. Sure, you'd be up snot creek without a

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-28626633881305052672009-11-03T20:59:00.003-05:002009-11-03T21:05:37.262-05:00

Here we go again, yet another find in the "terrify your children" genre of home decor."YOU LIKE TEDDY BEARS, DON'T YOU TIMMY?! Now lay your head down and go to sleep. I'll place this lurking terror near the foot of your bed and set a small nightlight aglow beneath it. Try not to fixate on the glinting sheen in its glassy dead eyes. PLEASANT DREAMS!!"

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-16223244893691934752009-11-02T21:56:00.006-05:002009-11-02T22:04:54.743-05:00

And now, Crimes Against Furniture presents Poor Taste Theater. Sponsored this week by user submission. Special thanks to The Rev for creative inspiration.Friend: *knock knock*You: Come in!Friend: Hi! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would drop by.You: Good to see you. Let's go into the parlor for a chat. Right through here.Friend:You: O Hai! That's my new roadkill rug. Don't

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-34671357685160734592009-11-01T20:54:00.007-05:002009-11-01T21:20:55.907-05:00

So let's talk recycling. I'm a thumb-sucking, pants-wetting, bleeding heart, namby-pamby leftist bastard wimp so I get the whole "let's save the earth" thing. I just don't think saving the earth has to mean filling my home with poorly constructed and uncomfortable furniture-esque garbage.This is not a recycled beer bottle table. It's garbage.This is not a crate-inspired set of table and chairs

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-21577994679413389782009-10-31T21:40:00.006-04:002009-10-31T22:28:33.714-04:00

I considered doing a Halloween themed entry but let's face it, every day on Crimes Against Furniture is frightening. So bah humbug it's just another entry for you!I was thinking tonight about a furniture crime my own parents committed. They had a cable spool table that they used as a TV stand. Unfamiliar with cable spool furniture? It's a piece of furniture constructed from the oversized

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-73092717199776116182009-10-30T20:18:00.002-04:002009-10-30T20:21:42.677-04:00

This occasional table doesn't just have a cankle. It also has a protuberance that I must assume is either a bone spur or a boil. Hey, what classy, self-respecting human being WOULDN'T want this in their home? I mean COME ON.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-80995622747201570842009-10-28T20:12:00.008-04:002010-04-19T14:23:57.727-04:00

Bathrooms. Just because your dirty, sinful business gets disposed of here, that doesn't mean you can't make a stylish statement. Check out some truly awesome options:If adding the smell of fishy aquatic life to your stink chamber doesn't sound like a good idea then how about a little holiday cheer?I don't think you want Santa spying on you in this particular fashion. After all, everything you

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-43415877495147806602009-10-28T10:13:00.003-04:002009-10-28T10:14:56.525-04:00

I just want to point out that the Google contextual ads running in the right rail of this blog are displaying crab treatment links on my last post. The last one says "Got Crabs?"I may never stop laughing.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-36219423978667305232009-10-27T21:04:00.007-04:002009-10-28T10:12:12.844-04:00

You know what's cuddly and cute and not at all associated with painful pinching and genital parasites?Crabs.Let's make furniture in their honor.The multiple legs just give me the heebie-jeebies. *Shudder*I'd like to thank the set dresser for funning it up a bit by serving a bowl of crab's claws on the crab table. OOOH THE HUMOR! IT IS SO DELIGHTFUL!Wait, what? That's not crabby enough for you

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-47451587566783656642009-10-26T20:39:00.005-04:002009-10-26T21:11:14.357-04:00

One of my favorite things on the internet comes in the form of gaming setups. Don't know what a gaming setup is? It's the arrangement of technological goodies that video game enthusiasts cram into small, shabby domiciles with no sense of visual arrangement, usually at the expense of habitable living space. We're talking about guys who would be happy living in a garbage-strewn cardboard box, so

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-53698879656020913042009-10-25T21:16:00.004-04:002009-10-25T21:21:11.746-04:00

I've spoken about my hatred for black lacquer. So you can imagine my blind, impotent rage over this unsightly combination of black lacquer and mother of pearl.I have no words for this. I just sit here and stare at it and hate it. HATE IT. Oh how I hate and hate and hate and hate it. Click the image for the larger version and HATE IT WITH ME.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-4844580486171220382009-10-23T10:28:00.010-04:002009-10-23T10:57:40.510-04:00

Want to add something "spectacular" to your home decor? Look no further. The good folks at Stone & Glass Sculptures want to offer something.... well.... unique. Allow me to give you a tour of their showroom.First up, who could resist adding a throne to their home? The thought of regal, plush seating that perfectly illustrates your status with a single glance should be irresistible to

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-88501556276701264482009-10-21T21:15:00.008-04:002009-10-21T21:45:53.298-04:00

My humble readers, I have let you down. Hectic daily life has kept me from faithfully blogging furniture disasters. So to make it up to you I am posting my absolute favorite find so far, one that I've been keeping tucked in my hip pocket for a special occasion. Trust me, this one is worth the wait.May I present the Grizzly Bear Chair. Yes, that's a headless six-legged beclawed bear that you

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-25655986449059842572009-10-18T21:52:00.003-04:002009-10-18T21:58:58.350-04:00

Is this a furniture crime or a fashion crime? YOU DECIDE!High-Chair ShoesI've missed a couple days because life's been hectic. So to make ammends I offer up a link to a blog entry I simply adore. The 10 Strangest Shoes in Fashion Today. I dare you to enjoy it.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-59553993544939529152009-10-15T10:50:00.003-04:002009-10-15T11:16:18.271-04:00

Let's get perfectly clear on something: Recovering the seat of a secondhand chair in sloppily painted and stitched multicolored fabric is not "decorative," "artistic," or "appealing."Take these chairs from Adelle.com.au. Adelle describes her website as "A world of art, craft, and beautiful things." I BEG TO DIFFER.Exhibit A: The chair is brown, and there's some brown paint in that sloppily

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-4073026114184470742009-10-13T19:40:00.003-04:002009-10-13T20:09:08.883-04:00

That's right, I'm following an entry about the President with an entry about erotic furniture. Hey, I'm a liberal, which means I'm of poor moral fiber. Enjoy the following debauchery! Whoop Whoop Whoop!Take a moment to really appreciate the concept here. You know, there's a desk organizer carved into the stump of those disembodied legs. But unless the organizer includes a pencil sharpener,

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-5378884200572535662009-10-12T17:21:00.003-04:002010-04-19T12:48:14.399-04:00

Hey Dirch! Lookie what i found!I know, right? I mean.... okay have you ever seen something so hilarious that it completely blew your mind and you nearly laughed yourself out of your chair? Because that's what happened to me. First I Dirch'ed, then I laughed myself silly. There are just so many ways I could go with the commentary on this. I could go political, but do I go with the moonstruck

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-32126294130289399452009-10-09T20:57:00.002-04:002009-10-09T21:03:28.738-04:00

Today's Fab Friday is all about platform beds. Ooooooh I love a good platform bed. Wanna share my love? Try this on for size:

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-37660491878207631242009-10-08T20:06:00.010-04:002010-04-22T14:13:31.419-04:00

Two words: Round Bed Now in my experience, there are two types of people. People who love round beds, and people who have a good grasp of the stupidity of round beds. But just in case the above collage hasn't convinced you to join the righteous side of this war on crime, I present the following additional evidence: mmmmmmmm velvet cheesecake... I hope to God the price includes that framed

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-10282145489238131732009-10-07T20:07:00.004-04:002009-10-07T20:19:22.448-04:00

Today I bring you another wonderful Etsy sale, which is my favorite kind of furniture crime. Allow me to present the following item with original sales copy from the Etsy seller's own brain (note, email address removed):Click to view larger image. Seriously. Click.HOPE THIS IS NOT TOO HIP FOR ESTY. THIS CHANDELIER TAKES 22 BULBS (NOT INCLUDED) HAS A NICE ROUND WHITE ELECTRICAL CORD OF 20 FOOT

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-22273635771714852222009-10-06T20:26:00.003-04:002009-10-06T22:21:55.590-04:00

This bed is what this emoticon was invented for: O_oHere's a rundown on this eyesore's features:7 rainbow colored LED lampsa fully integrated television screen in the foot of the bedan integrated DVD player6 power outletsa friggin' telephone.My words can't do it justice. You've just got to check out the French manufacturer's site. I recommend watching the video to truly appreciate the luxury.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-39861073953002967302009-10-05T21:14:00.004-04:002009-10-07T19:39:08.039-04:00

Sometimes a piece of furniture is a crime unto itself. Sometimes a room contains more than one crime. And sometimes the arrangement of those criminal pieces creates a tableau of criminality that both titillates and nauseates. The crime, as well as its associated hilarity, is greater than the sum of its parts.Ready?Here we go.I present to you the Tongue Chair and the Goddess Sofa, together at

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-78973044848628871792009-10-04T23:01:00.003-04:002009-10-04T23:09:54.883-04:00

Do you wish you lived in a magical kingdom? Is Fellowship of the Ring your most favoritest book ever? Do you plan on basing your wedding on elvish design aesthetics, perhaps as interpreted by Peter Jackson?Then boy-ar-dee do i have a table for you."Hey guys, what's going on up on this side of the glass? Can I have sip of your grog?"

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-61446063092550712512009-10-02T19:31:00.008-04:002009-10-02T20:05:55.134-04:00

I promised a second, more horrifying installment to the hand-chair documentation. And here you have it, grotesque, twisted, clawing, cadaverous, dessicated hands for you to perch on.I call this one "The Mummy Cupper." This creeping error cradles your buttocks oh so gently.From the maker of lip phones comes manicured graphite dagger-fingered hand chairs."Yes, I'll take two Carpal Tunnel Specials

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-75215711831818204982009-09-29T17:07:00.005-04:002009-09-29T17:25:57.530-04:00

This is going to be a two parter, because there's just too much horribleness for one post. I don't understand why designers are so compelled to make chairs out of hands but there are oodles and oodles of them to be found. Check it out:I call this one "the fanny pincher."This one at least seems like it could be comfortable to sit in. Still ill-conceived, but possibly comfortable.This one was

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-3018209620911320902009-09-28T21:24:00.006-04:002009-09-28T21:38:01.119-04:00

This is the Memory Chair by Ole Jensen. Let's do a quick free association game. Name the first thing that comes to mind when you look at this monstrosity:I am now reading your mind..... Yes! You're thinking of Grimace from McDonalds!Also is this your card? Thank you, thank you. I'm available for weddings and birthday parties.Back to the chair. Get a load of the designer's bullcrap rationale

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-5167628701325309022009-09-27T19:39:00.007-04:002009-09-28T09:51:36.884-04:00

Sometimes I feel bad about picking on Etsy sales. Then I look at the prices these people are asking for their terrible wares and I figure my outrage and disgust are justified. For example:Go ahead, name your price. Whaddya say, what would you be willing to plunk down for a fancy-pants decoupaged stool? $25? $35? Nothing? Hell, that's my bid.Try $50. $50 for some magazine scraps

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-78391080135228324052009-09-25T20:41:00.004-04:002009-09-26T15:37:20.390-04:00

Today I bring you beautiful lighting. Ceiling lighting to be specific.Big hug for Y Lighting for the above sexiness. Do yourself a favor, window shop without looking at the prices. because YIKES!

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-34650955370000909992009-09-24T20:14:00.007-04:002009-09-24T20:39:37.712-04:00

I'll bet you're gagging at the 80s style headboard on this big ol' bed. I'll bet you're wrinkling your nose at the hideous footboard. But if you're like me you see those things and then you goHEY IS THAT A WOMAN SITTING WAY OVER THERE?!!And that's when it hits you. It's not just a big ol' ugly bed. It's the mother of all big ol' ugly beds. It's the Andre the Giant of ugly beds. It's the

smaptenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-386825803453209532009-09-23T20:39:00.006-04:002009-09-24T09:55:19.989-04:00

This is the first, but will not be the only rant about black panthers in home decor. The broader rant would be against all depictions of big cats in home decor applications, but the black panther holds a special little place in the darkest region of my burnt, shriveled, hate-filled heart.Want to share in my hate? Today we'll just concentrate on panther bedding. Behold, my pretties:2 questions:

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-47314928507062063372009-09-23T15:40:00.003-04:002009-09-23T15:44:13.137-04:00

Crimes Against Furniture is now on Twitter. Follow @furniturecrimes for no real reason other than because you can. Wait, is that a sentence? Hang on.... CRIME AGAINST GRAMMAR!Love always,Mayor McChaisep.s. Fingers crossed, new update coming tonight.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-25936694047908349222009-09-22T19:58:00.003-04:002009-09-22T20:03:43.670-04:00

Crimes Against Furniture is on hiatus for a couple of days. Thanks to the wondeful gift that is the Atlanta Flooding situation, good old Mayor McChaise is experiencing her own crime against furniture. Some property destruction and possibly intermittent internet access will force an interruption in your regular blogging entertainment.The family room is a total loss. Frankly that sofa was a bit

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-43374997900249917032009-09-20T18:29:00.004-04:002009-09-21T09:36:04.399-04:00

Charlotte Kingsnorth brings us a sofa inspired by obesity. It's clad in a pinkish velvet upholstery for that authentic fuzzy flab feeling.Thanks to the horrifying vision now implanted in the depths of my brain, I find myself unable to craft any punchline worthy of this heinousness. Congrats, Charlotte, you've earned yourself a Dirch Passer.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-3520167972509588542009-09-19T19:11:00.004-04:002009-09-19T19:22:33.455-04:00

Here's the problem . Right now you're probably thinking, "Those aren't bad... They're kind of cute." NO THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE HORRIBLE. The only people who should own these lamps are hobbits. PERIOD.I live in fear that someday I'll meet someone who has the whole set. And you know what? I'm not even going to link to my source. Because I must do my part to prevent people from owning this kind

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-48267582224466797132009-09-18T21:46:00.005-04:002009-09-18T21:51:15.017-04:00

Two words: glass sinks.I know, it doesn't sound like much. but oooooh. Check this out:Did you hear that sound? That was yours truly, experiencing a home furnishings nerdgasm. So fab. So, so fab. Check out Axolo for more.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-47572057675354818852009-09-17T20:34:00.005-04:002009-09-17T21:52:30.047-04:00

Sure, it's appealing with a hot chick sitting in it. But for the rest of us, we might benefit from a chair that draws less attention to our more generous backsides. I mean, if I'm going to be out-sexed in a crowd, I'd rather not lose out to a plastic seat.These professional buttocks brought to you by Amateur Design.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-92058940175221434372009-09-15T19:57:00.004-04:002009-10-04T23:11:11.150-04:00

Let me repeat that: you are not royalty. Unless you're one of the 0.00001% of the population who is. And since it seems unlikely that any of them are reading this blog, I feel fairly comfortable making that statement. So the statement stands.Anyway.You are not royalty. You do not live in The Lord of the Rings. You don't sup on mutton and grog. You do not need need a throne.When I see

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-57686419803932162512009-09-14T21:08:00.004-04:002009-09-15T19:57:30.403-04:00

It isn't just that they ruined a perfectly good piano by making it look like a set piece in a Rock n Roll McDonalds. The most offensive thing happening here is the absolutely piss-poor decision making skills evidenced by the horrific color palette.It's like Lisa Frank and an 80s Swatch hooked up and 9 months later gave birth to this atrocity.Blame it on Funkiefinds.com.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-5100569954658899102009-09-13T12:05:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:30:28.992-04:00

I want to share the world's worst Crime Against Furniture. Here it is:This gigantic chest of drawers lives in High Point, NC, and mocks everything good and decent about furniture. I mean, LOOK HOW BIG IT IS!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY UNDERWEAR IN THERE?! CLIMB A LADDER?!It's offensive, I tell you. It mocks you with its hugeness and says, "Hey, bub, I wouldn't fit through your front door.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-74250527432377657682009-09-12T13:32:00.004-04:002009-09-13T12:17:51.903-04:00

You know what's delicious? Wedding cake. Would I want to sleep in one? Hell no. But don't let me stop you from sleeping in your own rippled icing boudoir. And hey, why stop at boring old white? You can even pick your flavor:Champagne, with matching tiara cake topper.Strawberry, served in a brass hospital bed.Blueberry, with attractive wall doilyAnd raspberry, served in an old fashioned ice

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-16198600960212888712009-09-11T20:07:00.007-04:002009-09-11T20:26:10.297-04:00

Have I ever told you about my undying love for "Flipping Out" on Bravo?If you haven't heard of it, it's a reality-style teevee show that follows real estate speculator extraordinaire Jeff Lewis as he flips high-price homes in L.A. The show's main thrust is Jeff's difficult personality as he micromanages his life, business and staff, but what makes him utterly worthy of Fab Friday is his

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-29536186246602312009-09-10T19:50:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:29:02.911-04:00

While the existence of the so-called "missing link" may be debatable in some camps, the existence of the missing link's sofa is an undeniable fact.Interestingly, another impressive find was uncovered nearby in the form of a washbasin with the fossil of a woolly mammoth's hose-like nose extended as though dispensing water. Above the mammoth fossil's head pre-linguistic pictographs were etched into

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-76259668164460734762009-09-09T21:53:00.006-04:002009-09-09T22:25:41.464-04:00

Unless you've been living in a cave you've probably heard of Trading Spaces, the home decorating challenge show that used to air on TLC. And if you've heard of it you're probably familiar with the premise, wherein neighbors swap rooms for 2 days and work with professional designers to completely redecorate each others' spaces. Thus: Trading Spaces.Way back in the first season or so there was

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-67026432519467130742009-09-08T21:26:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:18:20.784-04:00

I have no particular problem with novelty kids' beds. I think kids' rooms can be fun and themed and decorative and fanciful and whimsical and.... you get the point.What I have a problem with is this monstrosity:Yeah yeah, it's got craftsmanship in spades. But you know what else it's got? About 6 years of usable life before your "princess" outgrows it and feels way too grown up for this kind of

smaptenoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-37479565316442653042009-09-07T19:36:00.009-04:002009-09-07T19:52:12.457-04:00

Allow me to commit decor heresy in the following sentence: Denmark, the home of all things modern and cool, produced some of the ugliest rugs in history in the 1960s.More specifically, Ege Rya and Højer Eksport were responsible for many truly hideous renditions of abstract vomitry in hand-loomed wool. Don't believe me? Try these on for size:The ol' spouse dubbed this one "Menstrual Bacon."

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-48962174254817529782009-09-06T19:38:00.006-04:002010-04-19T14:24:27.468-04:00

Say hello to Hong Kong's infamous Golden Bathroom (complete with solid gold toilet and bidet) furnished by Hang Fung Jewellers. Of course, as of this writing the toilet may be no more. Hang Fung threatened to melt down the non-functional potty if gold hit $1,000 per ounce. And not being the type of gal who cares much for gold, I have no idea if that ever happened.Edit: It happened! How's that

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-89782852159433627132009-09-05T18:58:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:28:26.735-04:00

The small version of this decorating disaster does it no justice. Click for the larger, and more satisfying horror. I mean the whole room is unappealing, but the trompe l'oeil vines with dangling meaty gobbets of "flowers" are just grotesque.Note that the shutters are also trompe l'oeil. I should mention that the site where I found this misguided effort named this image "trompe l'oeil shudders

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-34582240569632812692009-09-04T21:18:00.003-04:002009-09-04T21:28:22.838-04:00

I have no commentary on this one. It's just so so so so pretty.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-22888713621600366402009-09-03T21:08:00.006-04:002009-09-03T21:17:06.864-04:00

What exactly is the religious significance of lounging in Jesus's lap? What's scary is that this is not a unique item. Scour the web and you'll find oodles of accounts of Jesus chairs. Always barefooted, always with hands dangling off of the chair's arms, always clad in gray. I don't get it.Seriously. Help me get it.Submitted, fittingly, by The Rev.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-33997501602945798052009-09-02T20:58:00.003-04:002009-09-02T21:09:51.662-04:00

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAHHH! AAAHHHGGGGHHHhhhhhh....*gasp*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!By Rhea Giffin.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-16175589407296403912009-09-01T20:39:00.004-04:002009-09-27T19:55:56.027-04:00

At first there was nothing. Then with a tremendous clash of pure elemental anarchy the heavens split and matter burst forth in a furious shower of tremendous chaos. From the incomprehensible swirl of hellish, gory bedlam one singular object coalesced and descended out of the madness and confusion. It was the very embodiment of the terrifying tumultuous essence that reigned during the earliest

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-70556724526284495342009-08-31T20:53:00.007-04:002009-09-13T12:27:50.657-04:00

Pop quiz, hot shot. Which of the following three aquarium tables is the worst offender?If you answered any one of the three, you're dead wrong. The answer is THEY'RE ALL THE WORST OFFENDER!This is the moment when you, the reader, must decide whether or not to part ways with me on this. Because I suspect some of you may be sitting there with your feet up on a festering alge-scum riddled

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-30920952617342623372009-08-30T19:45:00.008-04:002009-09-13T12:27:26.099-04:00

I hear tell the upper portion of this chandelier is inscribed with "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," which loosely translated means, "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming of a decent bedroom set."Look upon it, if you must, but know that insanity awaits you.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-5928447089942813562009-08-29T19:27:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:27:10.827-04:00

What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry? Not Rodolfo Rocchetti, that's for sure.This chaise lounge leaves me speechless. I just stare and stare and stare and my head feels like it's going to explode into a thousand pieces, and then the pieces will catch fire and rocket around the room at the speed of sound, shattering windows and blistering the paint on the walls.Tiger sofa,

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-4826378447225655282009-08-28T20:03:00.003-04:002009-08-28T20:15:16.709-04:00

This Friday I betray my love for clean contemporary stylings again by drooling over some really fabulous Asian-inspired decor. You know that intersection between Asian and British Colonial aesthetics? Yeah, I want to live there.Check out Chicago's Bizen Home for more.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-12354181469795292252009-08-27T20:22:00.007-04:002009-09-13T12:26:50.212-04:00

Once again we seem to have someone who hates kids enough to want to:A) blind themB) drive them insaneI will admit that this hideous, chaotic paint scheme would probably do a fabulous job at hiding mass quantities of baby barf. So maybe this Etsy seller is onto something. Although $180 for some craft paint and an eyesore seems like a bit much...

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-17920509007094869552009-08-25T21:34:00.003-04:002009-08-25T21:42:01.486-04:00

Let me explain something that's not readily obvious at first glance. This sofa isn't just a sick tribute to ornate gold-leafed faux-luxurious bagadouchery. It's also clad in a rubberized plastic upholstery. You read that right. Rubberized.I think even Barbie would question this addition to her Dreamhouse.Try to resist getting one of your own from JSPR.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-78801601455728578262009-08-24T22:13:00.008-04:002009-09-13T12:26:23.533-04:00

Hey, MC Skat Kat called. He wants his chair back. Then Patrick Nagel called, looking for a backdrop for Duran Duran's Rio album cover. Then the guys in Living Color wanted to know if they could borrow some furniture for the set of the "Cult of Personality" video. Then Oakley called and asked if I knew a good place to rest a pair of Razor Blade sunglasses. Then Barbie and the Rockers called

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-71769230491373820492009-08-23T20:44:00.004-04:002009-08-23T21:06:22.356-04:00

In lieu of my own snippy remarks I will let the seller of this table describe it himself:This wounderful Pieces of Driftwood createt to aTableFlowertable , Nightstand, Coffeetable, Sidetable,a Few for you Home decoration,a Unique Pieces from the nature,tall 23 lenght 27 wide 18 inchwe ship this table with Greyhound send to your nearest Greyhound station.you want with deliver to your home please

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-84160383643404973242009-08-22T22:20:00.008-04:002009-09-13T12:26:03.060-04:00

Let's say you've got a 12-year-old kitty cat who is incontinent and suffers from frequent barfy hairball episodes. And let's say you're the kind of person who's really too busy to be cleaning up such messes. You'll probably want upholstery like this.Old Boots could hornk up a wad anywhere on this sectional and no one would ever know. You could let it fester for weeks, as long as you didn't

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-47713293121014979632009-08-21T22:10:00.001-04:002009-08-22T22:20:07.028-04:00

Guess What? I've got something fab to share.Ha-ha-hacienda! I know I said I'm a big fan of contemporary furnishings, and although I usually detest elaborate and overwrought decor, I'm a big fan of the strange intersection between contemporary and hacienda style. Call it haciemporary. Or contempcienda. It's transitional meets Spanish colonial. Incredible rustic elements like plank floors

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-91958676771576574922009-08-20T19:55:00.007-04:002009-09-13T12:25:26.022-04:00

When you see the fine selection of camo-themed items at N.C Barkley New & Used Discount Furniture you'll understand why choosing just one piece was such an agonizing decision.Do I need to belabor the point or can we just all agree that this is a terrible style idea?

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-20041847165903037042009-08-19T21:44:00.007-04:002009-09-13T12:25:01.221-04:00

Unless your name is Ralphie and your dad won a major award from the Italian town of "Fra-JEE-lay" you are forbidden to own this table.I think what bothers me most, aside from the fact that it's A LEG TABLE is the fact that the feet are cockeyed and the pumps look so bargain basement. So even if this was conceptually sound (hint: it's not) the actual implementation is sloppy and beyond

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-86042917967586852952009-08-18T21:03:00.009-04:002009-09-13T12:19:20.234-04:00

What you do under the covers is your business. If you want to have satin sheets, you go right ahead and have satin sheets. But once that satin encroaches upon the rest of your decor, say, in the form of a duvet and bedskirt and pillow shams, why you've got yourself a problem.That's when it becomes my business.What the-- Is that a cut scene from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast?" I don't

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-25831232472278330432009-08-17T13:33:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:19:38.427-04:00

Evolutionary scholars recently published archaeological evidence that our current bedroom furniture may have had an ancient ancestor with a much heavier coat, suitable for arctic climates. Bearing physical traits similar to the woolly mammoth, this bedroom suite was capable of tackiness in extremely low temperatures.It is thought that our current bedroom design sensibility evolved from this

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-72495256490153279082009-08-16T11:57:00.007-04:002009-09-13T12:20:01.758-04:00

I want to say first that it is possible to do lacquer right. I want to get that out of the way because I may say something passionate in the below commentary which will sound like I detest all lacquer. So before you get your lacquer-loving hackles up, eyeball this criminal first:And here's the rant: DIE, BLACK LACQUER, DIE! WITH YOUR FAUX MARBLE FINISH AND BRIGHT BRASS HARDWARE AND CHEAP 80s

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-75507639432753817332009-08-15T22:36:00.005-04:002009-08-18T12:16:07.452-04:00

Children's furniture is no joke. The decisions you make may shape your child's perspective and irrevocably affect how they see the world. So if you hate your children and you want to drive them to an early psychosis, try this fun inflatable clown chair.Seriously. Is it possible to make clowns non-creepy in a decor application? I submit that it is not. Prove me wrong, Carnival Bounce Rentals,

smaptenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-33066651332495692312009-08-14T20:14:00.004-04:002009-08-14T20:19:45.280-04:00

Introducing Fab Friday, the one day of the week when we admire lovely design ideas. Think of it as rehab for the design criminals whose mugshots appear every other day of the week.I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for contemporary design. And this entertainment center is so lovely and clean that it makes me want to weep for the sheer beauty of it all. All my love to Presotto Italia for this

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-45430106716994268772009-08-13T20:04:00.008-04:002009-09-13T12:20:35.939-04:00

Italian leather. Conjures up lovely images, yes? Not so fast. Turns out it can also conjure up this image:Take a moment to absorb the tableau. The lighting. The chair. The.... walls.... is that black mold?Ever fallen asleep on a leather sofa? You wake up sticky and sweaty and the process of peeling yourself free can leave you feeling like you've just survived an amateur Brazilian wax.When

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-54085277967610870272009-08-12T21:13:00.005-04:002009-09-13T12:24:08.308-04:00

i stare and stare at this chair but no words can describe my dismay. in fact, there is only one way to respond to this chair. Allow me to introduce the Crimes Against Furniture Dirch Passer rating. Dirch, tell the people how I feel:This.... this sheep chair, for lack of a better description, is the first to earn a Dirch Passer. Pace yourself, Dirch, I have a feeling you're going to be showing

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-2321066275766043882009-08-12T19:41:00.004-04:002009-09-13T12:21:05.990-04:00

Let's say you have a guest bedroom, but you hate guests. Get yerself an antler bed! It's a bed that says, "You might get stabbed in your sleep, who knows?"Want one? The folks at MacPhail Studio (more like MacFail Studio, AMIRITE?) can help.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-14223152988082826362009-08-12T09:44:00.006-04:002010-04-19T14:24:57.225-04:00

It's not that I think having a warm tush is a crime. It's just that the idea of dribbles and... ugh i don't even want to think about it. Look, there is one thing that trumps comfort on the pot, and that's sanitation. Fur in the bathroom is not sanitary, people! If I visit your home and you've got one of these babies, I'm keeping my knees crossed and my teeth clenched until kingdom come.Thanks

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-24327355253564415942009-08-11T21:40:00.006-04:002009-09-13T12:23:33.007-04:00

This is what happens when Beetlejuice, the Cat in the Hat and Punky Brewster bump into each other in the hallway. Thanks to the fine folks at Squint for the migraine headache.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-44695693106643119382009-08-10T20:55:00.007-04:002009-09-13T12:23:08.035-04:00

I'm going to fess up: I hate gold. Too many gold chains strung across sweaty, hairy guido chests to see it as classy or fancy or luxurious anymore. To make matters worse you've got the folks at Goldstriker wasting the stuff on Andre the Giant's nerd-watch.The fact that it's digital is just killing me. And you know what sets off your enormous golden 1980s commemorative sports watch? Brown

smaptenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-50382590946004299812009-08-09T21:44:00.008-04:002009-09-13T12:22:38.393-04:00

Here we have it, the occasional table that inspired this blog. I just keep thinking, we're getting the attractive angle here in this photo. What's the 180-degree view look like?Thanks to the good folks at Skymall for every attractive ankle and wrist fold.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4673876107202004421.post-46014154950330083102009-08-09T20:58:00.000-04:002009-08-09T21:02:59.073-04:00

Welcome to Crimes Against Furniture, a photoblog dedicated to documenting unforgivable acts of home decorating. Quite the opposite of the many wonderful furniturepr0n sites out there documenting beautiful works of design, this blog intends to hold accountable those who would offer ill-conceived furnishings that assault the senses.Enjoy.

smaptenoreply@blogger.com2