10.31.2009

You Can't Spell Spool Without Poo

I considered doing a Halloween themed entry but let's face it, every day on Crimes Against Furniture is frightening. So bah humbug it's just another entry for you!

I was thinking tonight about a furniture crime my own parents committed. They had a cable spool table that they used as a TV stand. Unfamiliar with cable spool furniture? It's a piece of furniture constructed from the oversized wooden spools leftover from industrial cable installation. I suppose you could call it a "green" effort, although I'm more inclined to think of it as a "cheap" effort.

My parents' cable spool table was jazzed up with a thick rope woven macrame treatment strung between the two outer wheels, which lent it a sort of Mutiny on the Bounty, ahoy matey, crab shack sort of look. So in honor of that table I present a smattering of cable spool furniture:

I'm starting you out easy, with the classiest of the bunch. And realize that's a comparative statement. I stare at this photo, completely dumbfounded by its composition. Cherry wood floors? Nice. White console table with turned legs? Nice. Antiqued silver table lamp? Nice. Blue fabric? Nice. Spool base... unsanded planks... gloss paint... ow my brain hurts.

Take a moment to appreciate this creation. You might be thinking that the base is wrapped to protect it from the glass work on the top surface. You'd be dead wrong, sister. The "artist" calls this a finished piece. Glass work on the top, vinyl wrap on the bottom. Go ahead, find the perfect spot in your home for this. I said go ahead. That wasn't a request! DO IT!


Oh, sorry, let me explain. That weird tickling damp sensation on your face is from your eyes bleeding. dab, don't rub.


Want to know what my favorite feature is on this table? No it's not the weirdly lopsided chili pepper. No, it's not the hot-glued collection of bottle caps. No, it's not the bizarre arrangement of tile on the top. It's the casters on the bottom. I'm sure the "artist" thought they would make for convenient transport from room to room. But the way I see it, they're simply perfect for setting this thing off down a hill towards the edge of a huge cliff or a brick wall or a fire.

Did you think spools were only good for making hideous tables? Don't be so small-minded! You can also make hideous and horrifically uncomfortable seating. Take a load off and throw out your lumbar vertebrae, all in the name of recycling! Good luck getting back out of this thing.


Okay how do I say this delicately? When two people love each other very much sometimes they show that love to each other by sharing a very special hug. And sometimes when they're hugging they might also do a little dance together. And sometimes when they're dancing and hugging they might bump into things, like maybe the headboard of the bed. And sometimes when they bump the headboard the raised steel spool hub socket might crack one of their heads clean open. You'll understand this better when you're older.

Okay enough. I've opened up a childhood wound and I need to let it heal over again. But this ain't over. The movement against crappy "green" furniture projects is on! Next entry: we take the fight to the next level. To be continued...

5 comments:

  1. I linked to your blog today because I liked the photo of the wondrous chair.

    Believe me, I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 45 years ago when I was young dumb and broke my fabulous first apartment was furnished with wonderful free spools and concrete blocks. I was happy then..........

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm going to make the chair and the table but I don't know about the bed yet

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is pretty funny stuff...that said I am currently compiling an album of some of my favorites (none of these made it). Also doing some shipping pallets!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love the bed... It's my favorite...

    ReplyDelete