Rug Rampage

When artists create furniture it can be difficult to know whether their works are classifiable as crimes.  Sometimes they're making a statement, mixing ideas and materials and the ugly outcome is just part of the social commentary.  Frankly I've got no room for that in my life because social commentary is such a drag, man.

The way I see it, the instant it goes on sale or ends up reviewed in a furniture blog, it's responsible for any and all crimes against aesthetics and good taste.  Yes, your old pal the Mayor will punish artists and crafters and retailers alike.  Now shut up and let's talk rugs.

Say, remember the roadkill rug?  It's a pretty ugly gash.  Luckily an enterprising designer came up with a solution.

Oh heck yes, when I look at my floor I want to think about festering, weeping wounds and raw scar tissue.

Speaking of covering up unmentionables...

Tighty whitey floory whories?

But this is actually a really good idea.  How many of you are total sticklers for putting your clothes away, but secretly wish you could look like a slob?  Oh boy, do I have a solution for you!

This is a nice way to be both OCD and messy at the same time.  It's scattered clothing, but only within a rigidly defined parallelogram.  Win win!

Not chaotic enough?  Looking for an actual tripping hazard?

This is the rug equivalent of rubber vomit, with the added benefit of having a high-profile lip that practically ensures an amusing prat-fall on every midnight run to the bathroom.

Maybe you're more of a traditionalist. Perhaps you're looking for the naturalistic, morbid appeal of an animal skin rug.  But maybe, just maybe, you're a vegan and you have a small child living in your home whose life isn't filled with quite enough terror.

Sit your kid down for a nice after-dark viewing of "Pan's Labyrinth," then send him to bed with one of these waiting smack-dab in the middle of his room.  For optimal results, illuminate with a red nightlight.

Not terrifying enough?  Well, dear reader, I leave you with one of my all time favorite WTF photos.  Click for the large version and maximum enjoyment.



Someone Needs Divine Intervention

Here's another issue where we may potentially part ways, dear reader: Angels. Let me say first and foremost that I'm not arguing against depictions of angels, or liking angels, or wanting to have portrayals of angels in your homes. I'm just saying NOT AS FURNITURE.

There's just something about the very idea of angels that makes decor designers go completely loony and forget all sense of taste. They get all caught up in swirling robes and long flowing locks and scarves and sashes and pretty soon you're not really looking at an angel, you're looking at a wedding cake. And you know how I feel about cake furniture.

But let's not beat that dead horse. Yes, angels can easily morph into ooey gooey cakiness. But that's not the only tacky way to depict an angel. Try these on for size:

Okay so this one is a little cakey. Look at those rippling layers of frosting on her wings! And rivulets of raspberry ganache cascading down! Living with this table would be like living in the land of cake. Mmmmmm... the land of cake.

Where was I? Oh right. Angels.

Is there ever an argument against having a life-sized concrete angel holding up a vessel of light at the bottom of your staircase? Well, sanity is a good one. Personally I think the sellers ought to restrict the sale of this item unless the buyer's name is Elrond and the shipping address has a Rivendell zip code.

"Don't look at me, I already have a matched set."

And speaking of insanity...

What is with folk artists and Punky Brewsteresque color schemes? Although I'll admit that this thing clashes so badly with itself that the only reasonable choice for carpet color had to be purple. Good show, psychotic furniture showroom.

Ahh, the dark angel, a different sort of tacky in its own right. Let's see, what dated pop culture reference fits this one best? Let's call this one a castoff from the set of The Crow. Yes, I think that will do nicely. This chair (seriously? it's a chair?) would look lovely next to your Bauhaus CD, skull paperweight and wrought iron candelabra, you walking goth cliche, you.

Now hang on a second, before you get all pedantic on me and point out that this... this thing really depicts birds, I should tell you that it's billed as the Angel Sofa. So suck it. Don't hate on me, hate on this bizarre sofa/chair/sectional mishmash of design elements. My favorite part? Oh probably the little dirty birdy feet.


Fab Friday.... on a Monday

I'm late with my Fab Friday update. But when you see what I have in store for you you'll understand why I decided late was better than never.

Let's talk Ross Lovegrove. I first featured one of his products three Fab Fridays ago when I wanted to love on some lamps (the Mercury Suspension Lamp, if you're interested). So who is Ross Lovegrove? Well, he's an industrial designer who is known for his organic take on product design blah blah blah blah that's not important. What's important is this chair:

Ohmygodyes! Sorry.  Decorgasm. This is the Go Chair and we loves the precious.

That's Go Chair, not to be confused with Karim Rashid's Oh Chair. Which is a perfectly fine chair that looks like a pile of puke next to the Go. Seriously can you live another moment on planet Earth without touching those beautiful magnesium curves? I know I can't. Like Gollum my life is a never-ending painful journey towards the object of my obsession. Wait... what? The cheapest model is $850? OH THE AGONY!!

I look at this lamp and I jizz in my pants.  Wow, that was inappropriate.

I love it even more as a suspension light. And hey, it's cheaper than the chair. Is it weird that I actually salivate when I look at the Aqua Cil's design? It is? Oh. Well let's just pretend I never said that.

DNA Staircase in Lovegrove's studio. I'll admit it reeks a little bit of the Absolutely Fabulous bit on Ultraminimalism.

$140,000. Ross Lovegrove not included.

I know I should say something about the speakers but look at the designer himself. He's ultraminimalist, too. He's like, "Hey, I'm just a floating head and an arm segment! Peekaboo!"

Okay so maybe these items are just a little too pricey for your average consumer. To be fair, here are a few Lovegrove items you could actually purchase. How about a $68 rollerball pen? Or the $200 Download pen, which I will admit that I adore.

If you'll excuse me, ol Mayor McChaise is going to go requisition some new office chairs for Furnitureville City Hall. Magnesium finish, please!


Fancy Pants!

Have I mentioned my love of the word "fancy?"  Like "antique" and "classy" it's a word that has been abused so badly that it now implies the opposite meaning.  I give you exhibit A: Fancy Feast.

So imagine my child-like delight when I ran across TheFancyLamps.net.  And imagine my chagrin when I realized I could only choose a handful of fancy lamps to share in this post.  I can't just re-post the entire damn website, people!

As you appreciate the following samples, I want you to be mindful of the site's tagline: Elegant decorative lamps for your home, office and beyond.  Make a game of it and try to decide which location is best for each lamp.

Angel lamp: Home

Dale Earnhardt Sr: Office, obviously

Young Elvis: Home, right next to my heart.

POW/MIA: Um... okay it's getting harder.  I'm going to say office.

Three Stooges: Aw shit, where COULDN'T this one go?  I'm going with beyond on this one.

Tiger: Beyond

Dragon: Sweet! Beyond! I'm taking this one to DragonCon!

Wolf: SWEET!  Beyond!  I'm taking this one to PAX!  Wolves are like catnip to those guys.

Star Wars: SWEET!  Beyond!  I'm taking this one to -- WAIT A SECOND.  Is that Episode 1?
I change my vote.  This one goes in the trash.


Is It Glass? Is It Water? WHO KNOWS?!?!?!1

This entry started as one thing and evolved into a totally different thing.  There was just so much to choose from that I ended up with a dozen photos all describing different crimes.  It's like assault turned into battery, which turned into larceny, which turned into regicide.  So I backed up, put on my SRS BSNS face and crafted a more cohesive post.  Here goes.

There's a reason I have a tag set aside just for fish.  Because for some reason humans can't keep their seafood and their furniture separate. Don't believe me?  Check out the tag cloud in the right hand sidebar and click the "fish" tag.  But before you do peep this, yo.


If this were in my living room I'd never get any reading done.  I would be like, "Oh I'm sorry, otter, were you about to say something?" But he would never say anything.  And that would be frustrating.  Unless he did say something one magical day, and then we would become best friends.  Oh man now I wish I had this table and a birthday wish.

It's not just the booger juice green frog that bothers me.  It's the off-balance composition of alge scummed rocks.  It's like random turds and a toad.

Like a fat guy slowly pushing his way into your room.  "Oh hai!  What's going on over on this side of the glass?  Anyone want to go to taco bell?"

Not even real koi are this garish.  It took a terrible furniture designer to kick it up a notch.

This is clearly a depiction of evil dolphins bursting forth from the roiling, boiling vortex of the netherworld.  Swim, my pretties!  Swim like the wind!


If you never want me to visit your living room, I highly recommend you buy this, what shall be henceforth known as The Most Terrifying Table on Earth.